Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Brought to you by Double Dragon Publishing of Canada, ANIMAL INSTINCTS is a massive project in scope and physical dimension. 8.5" * 11" perfect bound luxury trade paperback edition with succulent full-colour cover dripping with sleaze; 32 short stories from the surreal maestro Hertzan Chimera; 32 full-page black and white illustrations from the super-human psycho-figurist Mitch Phillips. An unbelievably savage depiction of animal morés transcribed into comfy-couch society.

there's far too much anger in this book

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

I would like to inform you, sweet blog digester, of a travesty of CENSORSHIP against a collections of surreal, adult fiction I was involved with called BOYFISTGIRLSUCK (co-writer on all 23 stories, Alex Severin) published by Massacre Publishing, 2003. Now this is a funny book. A wonderful lampoon that delights in its own sickness. It's language usage is insane, it's narratives and characters are over the top to be taken as a serious threat to the moral majority. Excessive, yes, but only in the same way that the slapstick humour of Buster Keaton and Laurel&Hardy is.

Example: the back cover states "One day all fiction will read like spent condoms." Tongue in cheek, right there. :)

1) A review of BFGS was BANNED from airing on the MUSE APPRENTICE GUILD for fear that the i.p. would "pull their site" if he ran it.
2) An already censored print advert for BFGS was BANNED by SWAG (the alternative lifestyle magazine) who run sites like (there's a moral high ground).
3) Fictionwise refuse to DISTRIBUTE the ebook version through their online service - though they carry ALL my other ebook titles.
4) Palm Digital Media refuse to DISTRIBUTE the ebook version through their online service - though they carry ALL my other ebook titles.
4) Mental Shed an aggressively brutal online alternative sex portal who at first supported BFGS, proudly publishing a sample story, then turned on us and BANNED the story due to content concerns (now Mental Shed is a very liberal website).

There are a number of Adult Topsites, weblinks and directories who have BANNED any mention of BFGS due to "content" - content they most likely haven't even read. And these BANNINGS and REFUSAL TO STOCK and adult product because it spans many genres is seriously affecting potential readership.

ho hum.

people should read BFGS as a guilty secret; something to cherish, as Nature intended

Monday, February 23, 2004

What's your big deal, Chimera? Math is a universal constant, we have calculus and zero and everything. All these apples have fallen from these trees and I have been asked to count them. Sure, one, two, three, four, five ... there's nothing up for debate here. Well, as always on, there is MUCH here that warrants debate.

To count one apple you need at least one apple. If I don't have one apple, I can't count it. That's obvious right? I have one apple, I count the apple, my score of apples is one. I have counted ONE APPLE. Easy. Why do I have a problem with this?

Every apple, by vague definition (mathematicians call this an agreement or 'axiom'), has oneness! But it's not the same oneness for all apples, surely? Every single apple, no matter how different in pulp density, seediness, skin thickness or genetic make-up, can all be described by THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING INTEGER, oneness. That's the magical power of Math you see. Using the power of maths, I can count things real easy.

But ... hmm ... I have ABSTRACTED the apple. I have denuded it, stripped it of all appleness. I no longer know about nor care about what I am counting. "So what?" I hear you cry! Well, you could have big apples, small apples, sweet apples, sour apples, red apples, green apples, shiny apples, dull apples, edible apples, poisonous apples. You'd need one unit of appleness for each of each unique apple's unique properties, surely. No, says Math, you can count without a care in the world for it's appleness.

The different qualities of the different apples are catered for in Set Theory ... but STATISTICALLY set theory is a no starter, too -- there are always more sets than objects, in fact one could say there were an INFINITE number of sets per any number of any objects and therefore TRUE operations on them would take an infinite amount of time to calculate, +1. :)

do this with Math, "one red furry red edible apple plus one shiny green poisonous apple equals..."

There is no possible answer. Math has failed immediately, and nobody has ever spotted it. You cannot count apples as there is no such thing as a global THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING INTEGER that encompasses all the specific one-nesses of all apples. Appleness itself isn't even well defined. What is an apple? If appleness can be described by THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING INTEGER, what happens when we try to divide those five integers among, say three people? The THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING INTEGER is immutable, it describes oneness, but suddenly Math allows us to split the oneness (into what? why, tasty new axioms, of course) Well, in reality, and without concern for bacteria, all three people could SHARE the last two apples. Or one of them could say, "Phew, after one big red juicy apple, I am full, you two may indulge in mortal combat for this piddling little brown apple here." And they might, they might actually kill one another for this trophy - describe that in mathematical terms. Impossible.

Now, onto another impossible tool of Math, the bane of all computer programmers when trying to use it ... zero. The Indians first invented zero in the 3rd century AD. Now zero is as commonplace as the INTEGER, but again there is a worry here. Logically zero is the lack of oneness. Now one-ness itself is badly defined (as above) into a series of too-vague-to-be-reapplicable-after-the-calculation axioms, appleness was the example. With zero, the problem is that you can end up dividing by it. What? Yes, according to Math, dividing by zero plunges one into a whole world of hurt called INFINITY.

Five divide by zero = ????? how do we express infinity (I mean other than an 8 on it's side)? Why are we even bothering when it is based on dividing a real something by a non-statistically relevant something? The result would ALWAYS be meaningless unless when we tried to use the result of Mathematical operations such as these we could get rid of all imaginary parts (like infinity). Erm, we can, stop dividing by zero. Scrap ZERO as a Mathematical tool.

Now let's REALIFY that with five apples and no-one to count them - what do we have? Potentially five countable apples.

no problemo - logic prevailed
English author Stuart Young took time out of his busy writing schedule to shoot-the-shit with Hertzan Chimera the other day. The results of this topical and in-depth chinwag are now online at THE ALIEN ONLINE.

go, read faster, die younger!

Saturday, February 21, 2004

So, in lieu of actually writing, I finally got round to getting hold of some sort of a microphone that I plugged into the back of my computer and went online into a transAtlantic HORROR CHAT. That was a bit madness, and Alex Severin (the great Scots writer of all things dark & twisted) was online too doing her Scottish brogue. I made sure they all called me Mike, that writing name makes me cringe whenever I hear it in public - nobody knows how to say "Hurts Anne -- Kye-Mee-Ra" so I'd rather they just called me by my arbitrary social forename. Great fun was had by all, lots of horror gossip, some tips, some Q&A.

According to those in attendance, Hertzan Chimera's human body talks like a "posh scouser"

Friday, February 20, 2004

Here am I sat in front of the monitor. Poised... I have the catchy title of a potentially great story in front of me. The second ANGEL story I was talking about a couple entries back. It's full of promise and might turn a few heads once the readers get access to it. I even have the first paragraph transcribed and a couple options as to where it could go, where it may end.

And that's it. My fingers can type, will type and in fact they are typing now but as far as the story goes my brain is just going, "Gah, you don't need to worry about that. Not really. Nothing'll happen if you don't finish it right now. Nobody's going anywhere. Sit back. Relax. Just chill, Chimboy."

I am stuck in this writer's-inertia-land.

I know writer's don't get writer's block (tm) they're just too damn lazy to finish what they started right? Well, today, I am too damn lazy to finish what I started. But it'll be really great. I know that, otherwise I couldn't even continue. Hey, I can't even continue... maybe I am deluding myself of its greatness after all.

if there's any justice in the world, it'll balloon to being my first MASS MARKET novel ... stranger things have happened

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

There is no definition of Bukkake in my concise Oxford dictionary. Bukkake is more of an urban legend become porn industry staple. Started in Japan where it became a near-Olympic sport, a sacrificial dame submits her angelic face to ritual onanistic 'macquillage' by HUNDREDS of deposits of man-fat. The Americans have started mucking about with the franchise in their seedy films of late but they got no class. They dirty up the ceremony, lowest common denominator-ville still rules across the pond. BukkakeWorld is my latest online story, hosted by the HOUSE OF PAIN website. So, what the fuck's that about then, Chimboy?

I live in an apartment block just outside of Oxford. I have neighbours above, below, and to the left. I recently read a novel called LULLABY by Chuck Palahniuk and I really sympathise with the central character in that, only he had the power of life and death merely by singing a CULLING SONG in his head. The walls aren't made of paper. That would be too easy to gripe about. No, these walls are made of sound-amplification material that I've never heard of bur works really well. I mean, I have slummed it in paperwall bedsit land in my time but this is insane. I can hear them breathing. Oh, and round about 2 a.m. sometimes weekday or weekend, the fuckers decide to:

a) watch their telly real loud ... you know those late-nite army movies with lots of guns and screaming and explosions, cop-car-chase movies are also real popular for this time of night, too.

b) have male gay sex ... yes this IS worse than some shrieking hetero bitch bringing down the roof as she pounds her husband/boyfriend which has at least a aural-voyeuristic charm of sorts. But blokes breathlessly going Urgh! and Yeah!, no.

c) have a fucking party ... the 'best' one was like a 4 a.m. starter! They had obviously just come back from town (London) in a drunken taxi and thought everyone might like to enjoy a party (without inviting (or warning) anybody).

Fuckers! BukkakeWorld is for all-a you noise abusers, you deserve it in the face

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Well, it's hard to believe, given the level of animosity directed towards the UKchimboy in recent months by his horror writing peers, and thanks to it receiving it's fifth recommendation at the 11.97th hour, SPIDERED WEB (the series of alternate universe interviews of the horror greats like Jack Ketchum, Edward Lee, Tom Piccirilli, Charlee Jacob, DF Lewis... etc) appears to have made it to the final ballot for the BRAM STOKER AWARD. Or has it? In all honesty, the recommendation, more than 5 recs = final ballot, then some judges appear and say who'll be in the actual ballot and then whoever judges is both baffling and bewildering.

I am tempted just to keep my head down and say fuck all until the storm has passed me by... :)

Monday, February 16, 2004

I did a kooky short story exploring that dead-as-a-donkey standard WEREWOLVES and ANGELS a couple of weeks ago which has already been accepted for UNRESTRAINED KREATIONS, an anthology of UK writers (publisher Cyber Pulp, editor Diana Bennett) alongside such luminaries as Ramsey Campbell, Simon Clark, Brian Lumley, Guy N. Smith... nice. Werewolves and Angels, yeah ... well, that's not the end of it. This weekend I got another itch I had to scratch, and yes, it's another Angel story. No, I am not BORN AGAIN. I have had no classic Road To Damascus. But I do enjoy playing with the standard ways of the traditional belief system we call culture. Anyone who has any doubt should check out my VAMPIRE story RED, RED WINE over at a site dealing with Blood Fetishism and know I cannot, will not, accept the lowest common denominator in any creative endeavour.

oh, did I say I'm an egomaniac, too...
This weekend has also been very busy on the interview front with interviews prep'd for release through April in THE ALIEN ONLINE, CAMP HORROR and MIDWEST BOOK REVIEW. And, I hear from a source close to CAMP HORROR that Hertzan Chimera is set to become the AUTHOR OF THE MONTH, another notch on the old nob, this being my fourth online author of the month slot ...

something is definitely unravelling itself from slumber...
Yeah, I do movie reviews for Video Vista in the good ole Isle of Wight (under my human name Mike Philbin). This weekend I (very positively) reviewed Catherine Breillat's SEX IS COMEDY. I'll not go into too many details but it's a great (and not porno) film. I recommend it.

I only review movies that are sent to me, btw. Video Vista hasn't sent me ICHI THE KILLER so I got it out (yes, with my own money) on Saturday for a special screening, chez moi. Now there's a film out there called AUDITION (also one of my favourites, also by director Takeshi Miike) but this one goes several better in all departments. I won't say ICHI is good, that would be the understatement of the decade, let's just say, "'s just like having your brains spun round in a food blender for two hours." unquote.

who'd'a thought the BBFC would allow such horrors back onto our screen so soon after DRILLER KILLER

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Now that the all-girl-collabs CHIM+HER is available from Cyber Pulp, last night I got to work on finally getting the brother title CHIM+HIM document ready for final submission to Bob Gunner (who has been wonderfully supportive of my extreme and twisted fiction). There have been one or two cast members who were originally in it but couldn't make it to the end or hadn't the faith to go on... and that is sad. From the final line-up of eight male authors who agreed last year to collaborate with Chimera, one of them has fallen on a bit of bad luck. Marc Sanchez has been unheard of by myself or his regular publisher DDP since his Summer car wreck. Now, we know that he is alive. We dont' know what sort of state he is in, mentally or physically.

Marc's Chim+Him contribution was going well, we were halfway through story two of the agreed three. And that's how it's been for 3/4 of a year now. I will therefore be leaving Marc out of CHIM+HIM. The full layout of the book will look like this:

INTRO (includes the first ever "Tricephallic" email session between the writing of A TORTOISE AND A COUPLE OF HARES by chimera + lewis + korn)
SIMON LOGAN (three collabs with Chimera)
GREG WHARTON (three collabs with Chimera)
MARK MCLAUGHLIN (three collabs with Chimera)
VINCENT SAKOWSKI (three collabs with Chimera)
JOHN EDWARD LAWSON (three collabs with Chimera)
DES LEWIS (three collabs with Chimera)
MIKE KORN (three collabs with Chimera)
TRICEPHALLICS (all of 'em I can find - that's 21 collabs plus however many three-lobed-brains I can harvest)

it's gonna be a(nother) corker from the Factory of Chimera
This has been a very bizarre week - it's like, after fifteen years of setting up the great dominoe trick of all time, some clever fucker has stolen into my warehouse overnight and pushed over the first dominoe. The blocks are falling, the wheels are in motion, a plan of action has been designed and is revealing itself with a racing wash of colour and a clattering sound.

Even the great Brian Keene (who is a Leisure Books horror star in the States) thinks it's worth commenting upon my 'skill' on his BLOG. Proof positive that when the greats of any genre start to defend their territory with vitriolic political campaigns such as these, one must be doing something right.

It's also been a crazy time for reviews (many of them brilliant reviews) and general praise and Stoker recommendations and there's a gaggle of upcoming interviews.

phew, I gotta get crackin' on something new before I'm older and greyer

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

The Chimera + eight female author sex horror gore pathos and devilry collaborative collection CHIM + HER is officially out in ebook, CD and paperback. If this were tomorrow, or possibly the day after, the 23 story collection CHIMERAWORLD (edited by Hertzan Chimera) would also be out.

go to cyber pulp, they're publishing it
Okay, it's not THAT long a wait - but tonight Walt Hicks confirmed to THE WORLD that he has contractually agreed to bring out the 77,000 word tale of life in a seaside village from the stubbornly uncategorizable Hertzan Chimera in April or May of 2006. The book will be brought out with a tsunami of publisher publicity in a handy mass-market sized format.

very tidy result, chimboy

Monday, February 02, 2004

That's where I've been all this time. According to the indie pop phenomenon MOMUS, I and my Terror Tales minions have been stalking him night and day to get that all-important exclusive interview - thank God I had on my badly photoshop'd face at the time, eh?

here's the full journal accusation ...
Very weird weekend.

Friday night:
Received a rave review of my second novel UNITED STATES and was also interviewed by the reviewer for Camp Horror and Midwest Book Reviews (both review and interview go live through March-April of this year. To the reviewer/interviewer, Stephanie Simpson-Woods, I'd like to say what a cool set of questions. I love it when interviewers do their homework.

Saturday, Nipped down to London:
Saw the Saatchi exhibition (the Chapman's have taken over completely with room after room of psycho-erotic paedophilia and blood-fetish Naziness. It was a really great exhibition. I spent most of the exhibition stalking two lesbians (yeah, they may not have been lesbians, but in my head....) and watching the stiffness of their downturned facial expressions and obvious horror at the 'art' they were subjecting themselves to. In the end, the two of them looked over at me and their angry faces sorta said, "We refuse to GET this." I smiled and wandered elsewhere, a happy grin on my face.
Saw the London Aquarium, too. That place really depressed me. All the fish were coming up to the window and going like, "Kill me. End my torture." If I'd had a bucket of poison on me, I would have tipped the whole thing in.

Sunday, I wrote TWO two-thousand words short stories (I got the short-story writing bug bad again - yay!):
The first one was a cliché-exercise, WEREWOLVES - now I tend to shy away from fan-fiction of this sort but I had been goaded by some obnoxious cunts rattling on about the death of the Vampire in favour of the Werewolf and it was a great expunging of my anger.
The second one was about another cliché - Angels. With a twist, of course.
Each story was completed in two hours a-piece - hence the title of this entry.

an altogether enjoyable weekend